Last night, just when we're getting ready to sleep, my husband suddenly said, "Ayang, bulan depan ajak Nini datang sini teman ayang ek"
I stared at him with a frown on my forehead. "Kenapa lak?" I asked.
"Bulan depan abang kena berlayar sebulan" he replied. He was smiling.
"Heh... tipu!" I really couldn't read his face. But I'm sure he was lying. He continued saying he would be sailing next month, and I kept rejecting what he said. "Tipu! Tipu! Tipu!"
Then he buried his face into the pillow. "Sorry sayang" he said into the pillow.
My heart was beating fast. How I wish he WAS kidding about it.
"Betul ke tipu ni?" I asked again. He turned to look at me.
"Betul... tak sampai hati nak gitau ayang... tak tau nak gitau camne" he said as he held me close.
What???? I felt like a block of brick was thrown on my chest. My chest hurt. My heart hurt.
"Bila tau nak berlayar ni?" I tried to fight back the tears that was already brimming my eyelids.
"Semalam. Kapal abang kena ganti KD Pahang... ala, tak jauh... Kat Sabah je... Tawau."
I controlled the pressure in my throat. I looked at his face looking at me. "Berapa haribulan nak berlayar nyer?"
"18hb... Ala, insya Allah abang balik on time.. Sebulan je. Dalam 17, 18 haribulan Mac nanti abang balik la..."
Controlling my voice, I said "Ana punyer due date kalau ikut klinik 23hb Mac. Tapi kan kalau due date dari scan 17hb Mac... camne kalau ikut due date scan tu? Abang takde..."
When I said all this, my eyes were wet with tears. I just couldn't believe this news. This was what I feared most. Him sailing while I'm near to giving birth to his son. God, I still couldn't believe it. And, for a month??? God... help me.
"Nak wat camne sayang... kerja..." he replied. I could feel him tightening his embrace. I know he wished he didn't have to leave me, but heck... It's his job. I guess I just have to accept this.
I didn't say much after this. I turned and gave him my back. I couldn't let him see me crumble.
I just cried silently. But my body shook and he knew I was crying my eyes out. He continued to hold me... rubbing my upper arms... whispering comforts to my ear...
My mind was imagining lots of things. What if I went into labor early? What to do when he's not around? Plus, what if I can't even phoned him? And, God forbid, what if something happened? I am now 8 months pregnant. It's just a few weeks away!
I woke up with an empty feeling today.
Gosh, how I wish he was kidding about the news!
Now I'm crying again. Darn it. Stupid.